I'm So Sad After the Divorce!
How This Affects Your Kids

"I'm so sad" feelings after a divorce are understandable. Divorce is one of the biggest life changes you can experience. Everyone's reactions to it are different. They can range from mild to extreme. While it's important not to ignore those reactions, they also have to be balanced with all of the other responsibilities that have to get done.
Unfortunately, I see this lack of balance in this area a lot. The most common life area to be dropped is parenting. Your role as parent doesn't stop when you get a divorce.

Yes, you may feel like screaming, "I'm so sad!" - but so do your children. Your entire life may have been turned upside down - but so has theirs.

It's very common for children of divorce to misunderstand your "I'm so sad" feelings as rejection. They see you not functioning like they used to - not able to be there for them emotionally because you are hurting.

It's rare for kids to be sophisticated enough to understand the depth of feelings you're experiencing. They easily get that you are sad, or angry or upset, but they don't understand how that may translate into not feeling like making dinner or having the patience to sit down and play a game.

Rather than making the connection - "Oh, dad's feeling lonely about the divorce" kids tend to wonder, "Why isn't dad spending time with me anymore? What have I done?"

While I know this isn't your intention, it's important to be aware of this common misconception. There are a few ways to avoid this though:

1. Be upfront with your kids - Tell them, "I'm so sad right now, but you haven't done anything. I'm trying to feel better."
2. Try to do something - Maybe you're not up for going to the park to play, but could you just sit on the couch and cuddle with your kids while they watch TV?
3. Use time apart wisely - While strong emotions may be bubbling at the surface all the time, you don't have to express them every moment. If you need to cry, try to do the heaviest crying when the kids are not around you. If you need to rage, do this around adult friends when the kids aren't there.

Seek some support - If all of these suggestions still seem beyond you, I'd encourage you to look for a good counselor to help you through this grief process. Your kids need you. They may be hurting just as much as you.

Another good source of support can be found in our weekly newsletter, The Tip of the Week. You'll receive a special article on life after divorce every Friday, along with updates about our online community (pop up will appear).

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