Remarriage with Children:
Keeping Things Balanced Between Your Kids & New Partner

Remarriage with children - What thoughts come to mind when you hear those words?

Exciting things such as: "finding love again, a new family, another chance at being married."

Trepidation: "What if it doesn't work?, step parenting, hard work, potential for another divorce."

Whichever side you tend to lean more toward when thinking about a remarriage with children, it's important to keep things balanced. It is hard work, but it is another chance to achieve a happy and fulfilling marriage and family.

One of the hardest parts about remarriage with children is trying to combine your kids and your new partner into a family together. One of the most common complaints kids voice during this combining state is a fear that you are choosing your partner over them. This is a dangerous mindset and one that needs to be dealt with as quickly as possible.

First of all you need to realize why they may be feeling that way.

Since the divorce, it's just been you and your kids. All of you had to figure out how to do single parent life. Roles have adjusted and time together has changed. Your children may just be getting comfortable with the way this new life is going, when suddenly you decide you're ready to change it all over again by remarrying!

Understanding how frightening all of these changes are to your kids will go a long way to help you not get as frustrated. Their complaints aren't necessarily just an attack of you or your new partner. Instead, they may be your childrens' way of expressing fear over what's going to happen and frustration over having to adjust to yet more changes.

Now let's take a look at how to fix this problem.

Listen! When your kids complain, it's not your job to try to fix anything. This remarriage with children is happening, so what can you fix? Instead, listen to the specifics of what their complaints are for the underlying meaning. Then use a helpful therapy tactic: reflection. Just like a mirror reflects your image when you look in it. You will reflect back the main point of what your kids are complaining about. Here's an example:

Child: "I don't like her! She's always over here and she's bossy!"

You: "You don't like the fact that she's here a lot and you don't like it when she asks you to do things because she's not your parent."

Notice I didn't try to fix anything at this point. I didn't try to sway the child's view of the new partner. Instead, just like a mirror, I reflected back what the child's feelings are about this new partner.

Don't worry about getting this wrong. If you reflect back the wrong thing, your kids will correct you. No harm - no foul. The point will still be made. You are trying to let them know you're interested in understanding their perspective. And, when they correct you, they'll tell you clearly what that perspective is.

It's beginning a dialogue in this way that will give you the critical information to work with in preparing for your remarriage with children. Once you know what your childrens' REAL complaints are, then you can work on seeing what can be changed. In the above scenario if I reflected that back and my child said, "Yes", then we could start talking about:

• Why the other person being there upsets them
• How the intention is not for that person to replace their other parent
• What the new partner's role will be after the wedding.

That's all helpful stuff you can use in helping them to draw closer to the person who will ultimately be their step parent after the remarriage with children has occurred.

You may be asking, "What are some other steps I can take to ensure a successful remarriage with children?" I've got 2 answers to suggest to you. First, keep learning with our Tip of the Week. Every Friday, you'll receive this helpful newsletter, stuffed full of great information. As a thank you for your subscription, you'll receive the audio "What's Unique About Step Families?" free.

Secondly, I always encourage people to get support. A great way to do that is to read or post a question at our Help Line. Visitors post their questions and can receive responses from other guests to the site.

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