Remarriage with Children:
"You Can't Make Me Like Them!"
Preparing for a remarriage with children? Congratulations! You've finally found someone you are willing to take a risk on and are engaged. It's been a long time coming. You survived the divorce. You made a clean break with your ex-spouse and have created a workable child custody agreement. You risked putting yourself out there and began dating. All that has paid off and here you are with your dream relationship after divorce.
You're finding love again and life is looking rosy. Unfortunately, there's the potential for all of that to come to a screeching halt when your beautiful, darling children announce they aren't nearly as excited about this "wonderful" new future as you are. What's a parent to do?
The worst trap to fall into is "either/or"
As you prepare for your remarriage with children, be careful not to allow your kids or new partner to put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose EITHER them OR the other person. No one wins in this scenario. You love both sets of people. You want both sets of people in your life. Having to choose will only make you resentful and no one happy.
The Answer is in the "AND"
Your goal in a remarriage with children is to bring both parties together with you in your life. Keep that goal in mind with every step you take. Try to catch yourself, the minute your mind wanders toward "either/or" and replace it with "and".
Simply telling them you don't need to choose between them; that you want both, may help in some situations. Doing this sets a boundary for what you are and aren't willing to do. If they know that boundary is in place, the warring factions may relax.
Other situations are a little more stubborn. For those harder times, here are some suggestions of things to try as you prepare for a remarriage with children:
- If things are off to a rough start - SLOW down! It's not like you have to be married tomorrow.
Give everyone time to get to know each other
and get used to the idea of you remarrying.
- Plan situations that have a higher likelihood for success - both groups need time to get to know each other. But be smart about it.
- Try to experience real life together - don't always make time with your new partner and kids a grand adventure. That's not real. If you're going to be married, this new person will be there day in and day out. Grand adventures aren't an every day occurence.
- Don't let anyone tell you that you are choosing "so and so" over them. Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life. It's up to them to decide if THEY are willing to be in your life.
- Finally, and most importantly - be patient. Don't be in a rush to force these two groups of people together. You'll have the rest of your lives to be together. Set it up on a positive note from the get go.
One of the reasons the re-divorce rate is so high is because
people rush into a remarriage with children without laying a solid foundation.
Helping your kids and your new partner get along is a cornerstone piece of the new foundation.
If after trying some of these suggestions, you still feel stuck - what can you do? I want to invite you to post your question through our
Pre Marriage Questions Helpline
today so you can start receiving answers tomorrow.
Additional Remarriage with Children Articles:
"I'm Engaged!" How Do I Tell the Kids?
What Do I Need to Consider w/the Kids & My Remarriage?
Healthy Relationships Tips: Planning How to Get Along
Why Wait This Time? Here's Why...
Pre Marriage Questions: Is Love Enough?
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