Problems with Stepchildren
My blended family problems have two parts. So I'll start with the more exigent one first. My wife and I have been married for almost a year now. She was married before for about 6 years and their divorce occurred before Child #1 (12y/o)was even a year old. Her ex shows little interest in dealing with his own son and we have to basically force him to take #1 for his parenting time (He lives in another state).
I was married for 18 years and have Child #2(17 y/o) and Child #3 (10 y/o). My ex has been diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar disorder (uh, yeah). Anyway enough of the background.
The first issue is with Child #1. In reference to his moods, he has more swings in a day than Tiger Woods does in a month. When the wife is away, he changes from wanting to participate to incorrigible and has lately become abusive toward the #3. But, when the wife or his grandmother are around, he acts like the golden child.
Things like: running out to open the door of her vehicle for her when she gets home, helping her with things around the house (but will slowly disappear when I and #2 and #3 are doing chores), etc...
When this is brought to his attention, he is defiant, arrogant and self-centered. His favorite words are "I Know" or I just get a look as though he is put off by my mere existence. He has now resorted to refusing to move out of the way and causing #2 and #3 to walk around where he is standing. He has been caught whispering threats to #3 (i.e..go ahead and yell, I'll tell Mommy YOU did it).
What do I do? She allows about 75% of the things to go unapproached and says she is not sure what to do. I have tried everything from total ignorance to yelling like a Marine Corp DI with no avail. It's literally the same response EVERY time. Silence, promise to change and then retreat to his room, only to come out 20 - 45 min or whenever and act as though he was never talked to.
My second issue is dealing with #2 and #3. They are my blood and I can definitely tell when they are lying, etc. We have spent a large amount of time together before the new marriage. I try everything I can to not take sides, even when it irritates them.
Being the parent, you can't always be the friend. So, they are gonna be mad at us sometimes. That is well understood by me. Yet, when they go to my ex's house for parenting time, you better strap in cause it's a helluva ride at times when they return. Mood swings, etc.
I know first hand what they go through, I fought to keep the marriage and my sanity for the last 5 years of its existence. I can sympathize with them, but take a lighter approach when correcting them immediately after their return. The Wife understands this also and handles their attitudes well.
But, the issue is they are showing signs of completely pushing away #1. It's bad enough that #1 doesnt want to be involved and causes issues, but to have them toss him away also breaks my heart. I love my wife with every ounce of energy I have and she expresses the same feelings. We sit and talk of the "what if's" about the children being just ours and how nice it would be.
No, utopia is not expected, but common ground. Arguing over a Barbie is easier to accept than #1 striking #3 because of a locked door and a smart a$$ answer.
Ideas? Cause I got nothing...
