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Submitted by: Anonymous

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Thanks. I have written many letters to him. When we were first married, his previous family came to visit, and made comments to me. I didn't respond to them but later talked to hubby about it and he became very defensive about it defending them criticizing me and accusing me of 'hating' them for being hurt by their comments. He then called the person who made the comment(his deceased wife's Bro-in-law) and talked privately with him and then came back to me and told me that he never said it to me and again accused me of trying to make trouble. Later I got a letter from the bro-in-law's wife (hubby's previous wife's sister)and she said she could hear her hubby saying such things and when she asked him about what he said "he got very angry and yelled VERY LOUD at her about it". (she dropped the topic with him) When I showed my hubby this letter he still became defensive and accused me of not being open to HIS FAMILY and how I am making a mountain out of a mole hill; basically invalidating my feelings. (he does this on just about anything that I comment about). We have talked to a counselor about this, but when the counselor begins to find him in the wrong, we quit seeing him. (He tells me he won't spend money on frivolous issues). I guess to answer your question, is the rest of the marriage fun, joyful etc... I would say not always. I have since then prayed for comments to repel off me and not sink in or hurt me. Not the best way for someone to have a relationship... I guess it is my way to agree to disagree...

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Submitted by: Sheila

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"How do I get him to understand his loyalty now is supposed to be to me first? I believe that part of the marriage vows we took to 'leave and cleave and forsake all others' applies to second marriages also (in a deeper sense)." I think he has to come to this realization himself, I know you have told him how you feel, but if that causes arguments, then maybe he really doesn't understand how deeply affected you are..I don't want to sound disrespectfull to you and I hope that I'm not,You never said that other than this part of your marriage,Is the rest of your marriage solid, full of communication, love, laughter, honesty etc.Sorry I don't mean to question you, but Maybe, my opinion only, either you both have to agree to disagree or write a letter to your husband and really tell him how it makes you feel with no blame on his part...I lost my husband 3 years ago and I feel obligated to make sure that I keep in touch with the family plus I have a 10 year old that needs her daddy's family, I'm in a new relationship for a year now and my partner doesn't bring it up..My communication with my daughters grandparents comes out of guilt sometimes...they don't acknowledge my new partner or that I'm happy, I don't really know what else to say but,I do understand about putting your partner first, I really do. Take care of yourself and your marriage. Hugs, Sheila

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Submitted by: Alyssa

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Thanks for posting. It almost sounds as if your husband has become very defensive when it comes to this "family." I would suggest that you make it clear to him that you want to get to know them and become a part of that group. There's no reason for you not to. If they truly are like family, then they want what's best for him and should be interested in getting to know you. Same goes for you. I was glad you said you're open to being a part of that. The last thing you want is to have separate social circles that won't allow your spouse. My hope is that after you've been able to be around them a few times, his defensiveness will improve and your frustration will decrease as well. I hope that helps! Best wishes!

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