"I'm So Lonely!" After Divorce:
Why That's Not a Bad Thing

Feeling lonely is a common reaction after divorce. Even when you have children with you, it's not the same as having a partner present. These "I'm so lonely" feelings are frequently avoided by divorced parents. Why? It's uncomfortable. Our society focuses on relationships. Not being in one isn't socially acceptable. This is the reason so many divorced parents jump into a remarriage much sooner than they're ready for.

There are some positive aspects to these 'I'm so lonely feelings though. Let's take a look at three stages divorced parents usually go through when dealing with their loneliness after a divorce. I want to show you how these can actually be helpful in the long run...

Stage #1: I don't like this!

This is usually right after the separation. Whether you liked each other or not, you were used to living with your ex-husband or ex wife. When you're by yourself it takes some adjustment. The reality of the marriage being over hangs in the empty air. The silence can seem deafening. Parents in this stage find themselves having trouble concentrating and sleeping. So even trying to read, or watch TV to distract yourself often doesn't work.

One of the dangers of this stage is pushing friends away. This can be accomplished in two ways. First you may physically withdraw, not wanting to admit the pain you're experiencing to anyone . The second way is in being so needy that your friends feel as if they're drowning and choose to withdraw from you.

Stage #2: I gotta do something!

This begins happening when you do anything and everything you can think of to avoid the "I'm so lonely" feelings. Divorced parents in this stage will have something going on every night either socially or work related. It really doesn't matter what they are doing - the point is just to do. The whole focus at this time is to keep so busy that you won't have time to experience feeling alone or sad.

This is a dangerous time. This is the stage where a lot of divorced parents will turn to a relationship and falsely believe they've found "the one" because they want to spend all of their time together. This isn't because there's a genuine positive relationship. It's because the relationship is a distraction that allows them to avoid the "I'm so lonely" feelings

Stage #3: I surrender!

Eventually everyone tires of running. This is when you surrender and accept your "I'm so lonely" feelings. This is when growth can finally occur. Here are some of the indicators:

• You realize you can survive. You're stronger than you thought you were.
• You relax enough to take a good hard look at yourself and make some real decisions about how you want to spend your time.
• New interests and hobbies are frequently discovered at this point.
• A general calm tends to occur as you become more comfortable with what you've discovered about yourself.
• You're able to be content by yourself. You don't require someone else's presence to make you happy.

It's at this point, when it's safest to begin looking for a new partner to enhance your life, not fulfill it.

Without going through each of these stages, you won't come to a place of acceptance of - you. You are ok. You are a unique and independent person. You can stand on your own two feet without screaming "I'm so lonely!" You have survived and now it's time to thrive whether that be continuing on your own or with a new partner.

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