Husband Not Accepting My Son

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Husband Not Accepting My Son

by Jen
(Bettendorf)

I am struggling with the blended family problem of my husband not treating my son the same as the other kids.

My husband and I met 2 years ago. He had joint custody with his only daughter and I was a single mom with a son. We both were tired of dating and we liked the fact that we could connect on the level of being single parents.

Unfortunately, I feel I may have made a mistake. We only dated for 7 months and then I got pregnant . We got engaged, then we bought a house, moved our children in, had the baby, planned a wedding, got married and then he adopted my son. I have to admit it was a lot of stress last year.

I kept questioning my judgement on letting him adopt my son but at the same time I wanted my son to feel like he was part of the family and us to all have the same last name.

I have created a bond with his daughter and we get along great. Unfortunately I don't see the same between my son and my husband.

My son is a very loving boy and very affectionate but, my husband thinks he needs to "grow some jewels" and used to say things like "Stop crying, are you a little girl?"

My son loves to play video games and he gets good grades and has good manners and happens to love his mom and loves having a family.

My husband says he loves all the kids the same but he is always calling my 9 y/o son "Stupid." One minute he's nice and sweet and funny. The next minute, he turns into this bear. But when it comes to his daughter (who will be 12 in Feb) or our daughter (just turned 1) he is all lovey dovey.

It makes me sick and it makes me have no respect for him. He yells at my son and I yell at him and we fight...It sucks and I hate I just want to pack my stuff and leave.

I want my son to "BE A MAN" but I don't think being an mean to him will help. I just feel stuck. I love my husband and I have a great relationship will all the kids but this issue is killing me and if I bring it up he gets upset and it's always my fault because I baby him. I don't think that's it at all.

We have tried counseling before. My son says he's fine with everything. I just see it different. I want them to build a close relationship like I have with his daughter and to see them hang out and do stuff together. That would make me so happy... They don't have to do it everyday just even once a week. Please help!!! I feel like I have done everything I can.

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Husband Not Accepting My Son

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Aug 29, 2010
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Bonding w/ Stepkids
by: Anonymous

I too understand what you are saying.....

We recently read a book that even went into that fact. I think that is the hardest thing for me to accept as well. The problem is that there is no manual out there that tells you what to do. This can be very frustrating. I do believe we tend to go into these relationships with certain ideas in mind of what it's like and it just isn't that way at all.

I come from a divorced family. I grew up with two different step-fathers. One was very involved and the other, not so much. It just depends.

Don't let it get to you to the point that it eats away at your marriage though. If nothing else, seek outside help before then. We are actually doing that right now ourselves. I think between that, the books and this site as well as time and lots of effort these blended family's can work.

Jan 12, 2010
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Focus on what you can control
by: Alyssa

Hi Jen,

It's difficult when a step parent doesn't fulfill the role you'd hoped they would with your children. It sounds like you've tried very hard to develop a good relationship with your stepdaughter and are somewhat resentful toward your husband for not reciprocating with your son.

Unfortunately, you've fallen into a common step family trap. It would be nice if your husband would do the things you outlined in your question, but nowhere is it written that your new spouse has to have a close relationship with your child. He's not your son's father. He's your husband. I know that sounds cold, but it's the reality of a step family.

Step families function best, when all the members do make an effort to become close to one another and that should be a goal. But it's not always accomplished.

It sounds like you've made your wishes clearly known to your husband. Continuing to push this issue will only further cause a wedge in your marriage. At this point you need to focus on what you can control.

1. How you respond to the situation - you can continue wishing your husband would do something he doesn't appear interested in doing and get angrier and angrier with him and ultimately damage your marriage. -OR- You can recognize the little steps he does take toward your son as what he's willing to give him and learn to be ok with that.

2. Your relationship with your son - having a "father" figure is important to you for your son. You can continue trying to push your husband into the father figure you want him to be. -OR- You can focus on your relationship with your son and keep your eye out for other adult males who can support your son and do manly things with him. Your son doesn't have to have just 1 father figure. Boys do best from having several males in their lives. Look around, who are other important men who can influence him?

I'm sorry if this is hard to hear, but it is one of those false expectations a lot of people have when they remarry. I encourage you to look at things differently in order to find more satisfaction in your marriage and in your family.

Best wishes!

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Jan 12, 2010
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Submitted by: Alyssa

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Hi Jen, It's difficult when a step parent doesn't fulfill the role you'd hoped they would with your children. It sounds like you've tried very hard to develop a good relationship with your stepdaughter and are somewhat resentful toward your husband for not reciprocating with your son. Unfortunately, you've fallen into a common step family trap. It would be nice if your husband would do the things you outlined in your question, but nowhere is it written that your new spouse has to have a close relationship with your child. He's not your son's father. He's your husband. I know that sounds cold, but it's the reality of a step family. Step families function best, when all the members do make an effort to become close to one another and that should be a goal. But it's not always accomplished. It sounds like you've made your wishes clearly known to your husband. Continuing to push this issue will only further cause a wedge in your marriage. At this point you need to focus on what you can control. 1. How you respond to the situation - you can continue wishing your husband would do something he doesn't appear interested in doing and get angrier and angrier with him and ultimately damage your marriage. -OR- You can recognize the little steps he does take toward your son as what he's willing to give him and learn to be ok with that. 2. Your relationship with your son - having a "father" figure is important to you for your son. You can continue trying to push your husband into the father figure you want him to be. -OR- You can focus on your relationship with your son and keep your eye out for other adult males who can support your son and do manly things with him. Your son doesn't have to have just 1 father figure. Boys do best from having several males in their lives. Look around, who are other important men who can influence him? I'm sorry if this is hard to hear, but it is one of those false expectations a lot of people have when they remarry. I encourage you to look at things differently in order to find more satisfaction in your marriage and in your family. Best wishes!

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Husband Not Accepting My Son

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Husband Not Accepting My Son