Divorce Anger: Letting Go of Anger
It's Time

Divorce anger is a normal emotion.

Do you have a right to be angry? Yes! The more important question is:

“What benefits are you getting from continuing to carry that divorce anger?”

Sure there are the comforting fantasies of harm coming to your ex wife or ex-husband. But in reality that wouldn’t be all that great either because it would hurt your children.

If your spouse initiated the divorce, there are the hopes that they realize what they’ve lost and end up miserable in the future. Again, this doesn’t bode well for your children.

This divorce anger can infect everyone you come in contact with. Yes, you may be hurting. But, so are your kids. Your children love both of you. It’s hard to grasp just how painful it is for children when they know their parents hate each other. I don’t care how well you think you hide it, kids have an innate ability to pick up on tension and resentment.

You can engage in those "ex spouse coming to harm" fantasies for awhile, but verbalizing them in front of your kids is flat out damaging. These thoughts are pretty universal for divorced parents. It’s a part of the process.

The problem, however, is when these thoughts and fantasies don't decrease over time and you aren't able to let go of anger over the divorce.

What exactly do I mean by that?

• How about when your anger gets so out of control that these private fantasies and negative thoughts are said out loud, especially to your children?
• What about when you spend more time than you should, indulging in these angry thoughts?
• What if you think and talk about your ex wife or ex-husband more now (even if it’s complaints) than you ever did when you were married?
• Worst yet, what if you’re placing your children in the middle of your arguments with your ex spouse?

You may be asking, "So...how do I begin letting go of anger?"

The answer is a simple one. Applying the answer is the hard part. The answer is the "F" word - simply forgiveness.

Now hold on!!! Before you go clicking off this page, hear me out!

There's a lot of confusion about what forgiveness means. Forgiveness is a letting go of anger process. It is for you, not for your ex wife or ex-husband.

• Forgiveness is not condoning their behavior.
• Forgiveness is not letting them off the hook for their actions.
• Forgiveness does not mean that you aren't hurt or that you're ok with what happened.

Instead, it is a very powerful CHOICE.

• You are choosing to no longer allow what the other person did to rule you.
• You are choosing to no longer allow your life to be stuck in the past.
• You are choosing to move forward.

It's important you are very clear that making this decision is about YOU and your children. It isn't about your ex wife or ex-husband. You're not required to tell them "I've forgiven you."

Without that forgiveness, the bitterness, resentment and divorce anger will continue to fester and cause more hurt. It will taint your life view and by doing so, your ability to effectively parent.

This is a slow process. It doesn't happen by just saying "I'm forgiving him/her". It's a letting go of anger choice you will have to make EVERY day for awhile.

New things will pop up that will cause you to want to slide back into that anger. That's when you remind yourself of the choice you've made. It's especially helpful when this is new, to have a trusted friend to keep you on track. If they hear you start slipping into the divorce anger, they can gently remind you of the choice you've made to not let this person control you or your emotions any longer.

Is this easy? Of course not! It takes time. With time and dedication to the choice you've made, it will get easier. You won't feel as if things are out of control or worse yet, controlled by your ex wife or ex-husband. Instead, you will feel as if you are the one making the choices in your life; choices to move forward and be a better parent.

Are you ready to begin making those choices now?

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