What's Your Definition of Family for a Successful Remarriage with Children?

What's your definition of family?

It can start becoming a little fuzzy when you think about a remarriage with children or step family. This is quickly becoming the most common family type in the U.S.

Unfortunately, very few people realize how different a step family is from the traditional nuclear (mom, dad and their children) model.

This confusion sets step family members up for confusion, frustration and disillusionment every day.

If I were to walk up to you and ask, "What's your definition of family?", more than likely you'd base your answer on that nuclear family model. But what if yours isn't a nuclear family?

If you're a member of a remarriage with children trying to create a "successful family" using that nuclear family model, it's like puting a round peg in a square hole. It just doesn't fit.

When we're not aware of these differences then if feels like our family is a failure and we're not successful. But I say "Hold on!!" It's not that you're a failure and your family doesn't measure up. You're using the wrong measuring stick!!

Let's throw that nuclear definition of a family out the window and create a new definition that fits your step family. Here are the guidelines I suggest monitoring to decide how your family is doing...

• Solid marriage - Without the marriage, there is no family. It's harder to take care of the marriage because in a step family, marriage equals instant family. You don't have couple time like most first marriages do. You'll have to grow and mature into the marriage while parenting.
• Being civil - If family members can be civil with one another on a regular basis rather than ignoring, purposely trying to hurt, or complete withdrawal you're on track.
• All relationships are respectful - Not everyone has to like each other but they do need to treat one another with respect. This is not just referring to the kids' behavior toward the adults. Respect should be given not just based on age, but based on the fact that you are all family members now.
• Compassion for where everyone is at - Members of your family will be at various life stages and have different needs (teens versus toddlers). They will also be at different stages in accepting this new family. Family members need to honor those differences among each other.

For example, if the remarriage with children is only 3 months old you may feel like your family is successful when your 13 year old daughter chooses to come out of her room and watch TV with the rest of the family. Then, when she goes to bed, her step dad tells her that it was nice to have her there. You're not going to expect close, loving relationships where everyone wants to spend time together this early in the family's development. After a few years, hopefully the family will grow and members will choose to spend more time together and feel closer to one another, but this is never guaranteed. I encourage you to look at your definition of family differently. Notice the small gestures that the members make. Your family may not be "perfect" in your eyes, but be grateful for the steps it's taking toward success everyday.

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