Finding Love Again by Dating After Divorce - Are You Being a Hermit or a Hussy?

If the idea of finding love again by dating after divorce makes you uncomfortable - don't beat yourself. It's typical to be worried about not knowing the "rules" for dating this time around. Divorce changes us. No matter whose decision it was to end the marriage, you're different than you used to be. This is a key characteristic to recognize as you begin thinking of finding love again by dating after divorce.

This mixed bag of feelings often causes divorced parents to wind up at two different extremes once they make the decision to start dating after divorce. Neither is especially healthy. Let's look at what the extremes are and how to temper them a little to find a balance that works for you and your family.

Hermit

These are the divorced parents who were so hurt from their divorce that they pull within themselves and swear they will never allow someone to hurt them again. Instead, they avoid even the idea of finding love again.

This is usually presented in the martyr statement of "I am choosing to just focus on my kids. Once they're grown, then maybe I'll consider another relationship." For some divorced parents this is genuinely how they feel. For others, it's a safe way to avoid any further romantic entanglements. It all has to do with your motivation. One is from a healthy viewpoint, the other from fear and avoidance.

Hussy

These are those divorcees (male and female) who do everything they can to latch on to a new relationship. There is no concept of discernment. Just a breathing body is all they require in finding love again.

These divorced parents are not comfortable with being alone and will do whatever it takes to avoid it. There are obvious complications with this decision.

• You can wind up involved with some very scary individuals.
• You're not modeling good relationship skills for your children.
• You are obviously not healthy enough to be in a committed relationship because the focus is not about the relationship, it's about not being alone.

Healthy

Here's the sweet spot you want to be in when it comes to finding love again by dating after divorce. Fears of being alone and of being hurt again are normal. There's nothing wrong with them. Just about everyone experiences those after a divorce.

Divorced parents who are healthy acknowledge these fears and work through them. They don't run away and avoid them or try to cover them up with other things. They find alternative ways of filling their time and meeting their needs as single adults so they don't feel so alone. They accept they've been hurt, work hard to heal those wounds and understand that finding love again is risky.

All of these are conscious decisions when dating after divorce. That is the key. You want to make decisions rather than run around being reactive to uncomfortable emotions.

You may be asking, "How do I get to a place of decision rather than just emotion when it comes to finding love again?" There are two answers: education and support.

A great place to start with that education is our Tip of the Week newsletter. Each tip includes:

• a featured article loaded with helpful tips to effectively guide you in living beyond divorce toward a successful remarriage and step family
• access to resources which will support you in your journey
• updates about what's going on in the site as well as our online community

As a thank you for subscribing, I want to offer you a FREE audio, "What's Unique About Step Families?"

Gain support by speaking with hundreds of other divorced parents and seeking their advice in The Remarriage Community.

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