Blended Family Problems:
The Danger of the Blender
Blended family problems can cause people serious heartache.
While the topic I want to cover here may seem a little "fluffy" initially, I encourage you to read all the way through to fully understand why this word useage can put your family at risk.
A lot of people are put off by the term "step family" and have chosen to go with "blended family" instead.
While that may seem more politically correct, there's a great danger with using that terminology. Let's take a look at some of the reasons why.
A step family is made up of several distinct parts:
- Wife and her kids
- Husband and his kids
- New marriage couple
Some of these parts revel in their distinct characteristics and will hold onto them for dear life. These characteristics define who they've always been.
Now, take a minute and think about your friendly blender in your kitchen. When do you use that? What's its purpose? It is meant to take distinct ingredients and blend them into one new concoction. In fact, if you're like me, it's annoying to blend something, start to pour it out and realize there's a glop at the bottom that didn't blend into everything else.
While it may sound like a good idea to take these distinct family parts and "blend" them into one, it's not!!! This mindset is one of
the most dangerous blended family problems.
Everyone won't be equally blended no matter how hard you try! You will be closer to your own biological children than you will your step children. It's silly to think that once that wedding ring is slipped on your finger, you'll love them as much as your own children. Things aren't evenly "blended" no matter how hard you try.
A "blender" mentality is nice sounding because it's reminiscent of the nuclear family, where everyone was one unit. It's nice and neat. This just is not the case with a step family - blended family - or remarriage with children (however you term it!)
You may be asking yourself, "Ok, Alyssa - Why is this terminology thing such a big deal?" Here's why: The terms we use, create how we think about things.
Here are just a few of the blended family problems that can develop when we create our
definition of family based on the blender:
- Frustration because everyone isn't getting along the way they should.
- Anger because we aren't readily accepted like we think we should be.
- Discomfort because life isn't running smoothly like it should be.
What's the problem with each of these? They each have this underlying assumption of how things "should be." When our assumptions don't happen,
it's real easy to just give up and assume things have failed.
It's not that you've failed, or even that the remarriage with children has failed. Instead, it's the nuclear family model you're applying to your step family that's failing. People haven't "blended."
Instead, allow your family time to grow into relationship with one another. All of you have known each other for varying amounts of time.
Give the relationships time to grow
and develop in their own ways. The sooner you can give up the idealistic belief that this new family will function like your previous nuclear family, the sooner you can enjoy what you have. This protects you from suffering with the blended family problem of frustration because you're always trying to "fix" your family. Just enjoy it for what it is!
So, how do you give up the nuclear family model? The best way is to truly understand how
unique a step family is.
Additional Articles on Blended Family Problems:
Creating Memories that Bond
Without This Your Step Family Will Fail
Enjoy the Journey with Your Step Family
5 of the Most Common Step Family Problems
5 More Common Step Family Problems
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